- [ ] What everyone is not doing is realizing that you cannot change people
- [ ] There are no bad people, only bad actions
- [ ] Stop Trying to Be the Hero
I have a dear friend who is always in a state of lack, which causes her to over-identify with groups of people.
For instance when I was feeling down and having a hard time with productivity I fell into the rabbit hole of believing I had ADHD based on internet memes.
But one thing my and many other people aren’t doing is trying to accept these behaviors and improve upon them.
My friend uses her autism as a crutch, she uses it to shield herself, to survive, to hide from criticism and to hide from what will set her free.
She’s trying to be the HERO of her story.
She’s the one who never does wrong, goes through pain, and never makes mistakes.
When I see memes like these they make me upset, because these people will always feel a state of lack.
Whenever im around people who constantly give up and use their ego as a crutch of not being able to improve upon themselves and accept their behaviors as apart of themselves, they suffer and make other people suffer.
I think thats a problem, I have been in special ed classes throughout my years due to being behind in math, but I never believed I was autistic.
The people who I knew were autistic were extremely different from me, and I felt more functional compared to them(including my friend).
And when I tried to think I did have it, I logged onto neocities, twitter, social media and I was upset and disgusted by how grossly different identifying with the term “neurodivergent” was.
Everyone tried to see themselves as superior, everyone wanted to be the hero that was wronged.
But they didn’t want to accept how they acted and reacted. They wanted to stay a victim.
But when they stay a victim, they create other victims. And they will always hate themselves, and they will never feel true acceptance, friendships, or love. Only a state of impermanence and suffering.
I tried so hard to make friends with people because I thought I was like them, but these people didn’t want a community, they wanted a crutch.
And I doubt these people are really diagnosed with these conditions, because if that was the case everyone and Antarctica has ADHD.
And y'know how i can back that up? I have a childhood with ADHD, i saw his behaviors, actions, and he even explained to me his medications. The stuff he and i go through is completely different, yet my problems with productivity are being self-diagnosed by internet users as ADHD.
The medical system is an utter cash grab, so diagnosing and medicating is always the go-to, which causes suffering.
Because we dont find the reasons why, we just pop pills and try to forget about the pain we feel.
One thing you NEED to do is always ask why you act a certain way, why you feel a certain way, and dont be upset if you feel someway.
Even if the thoughts are dark,brooding,intrusive, let them come, write them down, and accept them.
If you dont want to be those thoughts you are not. You are not your thoughts. They just are there from something stemming from childhood or something else.
We use memes as a crutch, you see how so many meme accounts dedicated to a certain identity (teens, trans, nb,) are so negative and unwilling to improve upon themselves.
Every comment section you go people are just fighting to stay exactly where they are, or trying to drag other people in their bucket.
Even the happeycore accounts dedicated to improvment and feling good are doing it becayse they are just distracting a crying child with toys to make them stop crying.
I have dealt with people like this all my life and I know their behaviors, here I want to speak my full truth and only my truth, so I can finally let go and be at peace with myself and others, and help someone who is like me, is me, or who needs to sink it in and not feel alone like I did in this political climate.
I had a crush on a girl who I thought was a butch lesbian, but turned out to be christian and had some pronoun thing going on.
I was in love with her and all I wanted to do was become friends and even date, but it didn’t turn out that way.
I decided I would take the initiative and go over to her instead of sit around the beginning of the school year.
And I did it! I was proud of myself, I made some friends and got closer to the object of my affections.
I think alot of my trauma from her was because
I never got to tell her I had a crush on her, and how much I loved her
She reminds me of all the pain ive hidden, feeling like nobody cares about me but I have to cater to them.
All my life I felt like I had to repress my true self and my emotions to please people. With the friend I have I still have a hard time opening up to her, because I fear making her upset.
I feel that way with my mother too.
So I started to feel like I really have no support in this world, and that nobody cares about me.
And when I started going online my anxiety shot up and I felt tense, the political climate of racism and Trump and having to deal with constant bombardments I wanted to just feel happy again, so I got a crush to make me feel excited about.
And oh joy, all her friends are apart of the LGBTQ+ community, so that means they are all left-leaning and not racist(yayyy*fanfare*)
But of course, I was wrong.
In my old school I dealt with being called a gorilla and many other things, and I wanted to leave it all behind and lock it up and forget about it.
I mean everyones so sensitive and unforgiving towards race stuff so I guess I should just bottle it up.
So It made me go into politics alot more, right and left.
Breadtubers I watched often, It was the only way I could feel validated about my experiences with racism as a black women.
Through white you tubers making jokes about idk some other right wing YouTube or whatever.
Later I realized that this was politics, and politics is an illusion, its all fake.
Women are targeted and Black Women are targeted, because were vulnerable and its profitable.
And that leads me into my feelings of Self hatred
Im proud of who I am, and I really honestly wouldn’t change myself or my skin, but ever since that experience in my old school I kept it in and it made me hate myself.
I was hypersensitive to everything around me, I felt like it was dumb or weak to feel this way, the twitter fingers on social media spewed fancy words to make themselves smarter and win acceptance, black twitter fingers were following along to force their will upon people(reacting instead of ignoring), everything felt so bothered to me, I felt like everyone saw me as ugly or everyone didn’t like me.
I remember I cried to two songs
“Try” by Colbie Caillat
“Good Morning Gorgeous” By Mary J. Blige
Because it feels so hard to look yourself in the mirror and say good morning gerougeous, because i dont know if i like me, because i want to know that i dont have to try to be loved.
But the path it took for me to get here was by reading books, buddhism, astrology and journaling and writing down everything that bothered me and asking WHY.
WHY do I not accept compliments?
Because I think like politicians and bread tubers, its fake compliments. They think because im a black girl I have low self esteem and I hate myself. And they broadcast to the world how disadvantaged and badly affected we are by tragedies and things. While also portraying us as political pawns and one-note characters.
I tried to fit in to black people on twitter, divestment culture, and it all sucked.
I didn’t really talk like them, walk like them, and I didn’t want to.
I wanted to come as myself and say my truth, but I dint feel accepted.
Feminity channels dont teach you to love yourself, they teach you that getting a man is important and you must look a certain way because since your this shade of black your disadvantaged.
This isn’t empowerment, because real love is accepting everything about you and also knowing why and letting it go.
Getting a man is something outside yourself, he is not your center, he is not your worth.
Divestment is self-hate and trauma
We are our harshest critics to ourselves and idolize other races, but we need to accept ourselves and not need to identify with our ego(cultural identity).
We can criticize and be upset with our community, but we need to know the WHY and accept the people that disappoint us. I dont mean hug them and try to be close to them, just know they will not change by FORCING YOUR WILL UPON THEM.
Because we all are hurting, and we just want to be at peace and okay. Just say how you feel, dont hide how you feel, recognize why you feel this way, and if you want to improve your own community then show kindness and try to help people in your own ways.
The reason why i was affected so deeply is because I felt like the only way for people to care about me is to act like the people on those online communites, and my crush. People only show gentleness in those times it seemed, or maybe i just wanted to receive my own care.I say this because I see alot of black people trying to get into these gender-woo and communities because were lumped in with trans people, but that is because we think there our friends but were more like pawns for political movements.
When I decided to leave the group chat I realized how lonely I was, nobody texted me back, I had minimal chats with my friends and I was quite lonely and wanted to make friends.
But no matter where I go I see people who act just like these people.
I dont want to identify with anything anymore because I dont care.
I am a female human being, a woman, a female. I also have had feelings for other girls, and thats nothing special. Im not a hero for liking women and im not a hero for being a women. Im cool with it, even though all the stuff women go through its nothing that hasnt been braved before, and I have elders to guide me through it with advice and wisdom.
I also feel like I have to hide my true self in fear of upsetting people, and I have anxiety, and I feel alone.
With that girl, she was always self-deprecating herself, always talking about suicide, and I was frustrated because I wanted to help her.
I mean I looked at YouTube videos and articles to try to understand her and help her with her depression but she just was mean to me in return. And would rather listen to people who would tell her to kill herself than listen to me, this is a direct quote.
And in the end I ended up alone with no friend group and nobody but myself and my writing and homework.
I was so upset inside but I was afraid to say it, I felt like I had to repress my feelings because of her identity and what she was going through. Even though she didn’t give a shit about me. She still had her friends and I was feeling the same way I was again with a new bandage to match.
But really everyone has their own mind maps and reactions.
As I began more interested in astrology I became interested in psychology also.
Once I could just be right here, right now, Fox News didn’t upset me. I could use my knowledge of Nakshatras and signs to figure out where there coming from and I could enjoy them as people. I could feel the feelings someone who would watch it may feel, I could feel at peace.
In reality, no political spectrum is for us. They just want our votes and our money. Same with doctors honestly.
Alot of the times people are afraid of speaking their truth because of the trans community full of teens online.
Its become very sad because this isnt love or acceptance, its bullying and suffering.
- Condtiton people not to ask questions
- Use your identity as a crutch to avoid criticism(im trans, nb, neurdoivergent, autistic, ADHD, hyper fixations,)
- Don’t explain
- Try to normalize hiding your suffering(coping mechanisms, binders, testosterone pills, mastectomies)
- Always play the victim
And if you step out of line in any of the fields in the online community your as good as dead socially, because everyone is afraid to be their true selves and ask true questions. They dont want to accept the truth so they force their will upon others and make everyone suffer. AND give them a false sense of community.
Its like religion, you come to it because your suffering but you either become spiritually sound or drink the kool-aid and die, or leave the Scientology church with barely anything left.
And im tired of having to silence myself, tired of being afraid, so I wrote this blog.
Really ive never felt anything towards gender, until people made it a buzzword. And now people the age of 10 are telling me who they are sexually attracted to, know what bottoms and tops are, know what bdsm is, and have way too many unfettered access to the youtube and the internet.
So yes, from those words alone ive become “the Karen, a white surburbanite, a TERF, and a racist right-winger.” And im the complete opposite of all those things(or am I?)
And sometimes they bully others into changing their identity
(Got harassed? Bring up your trauma and use your problems to avoid solving them!)
Mental illness, conditions, and identity are hand in hand. AND they are not permanent.
There are people with constant chronic pain able to be the happiest people on earth, and the most mentally challenged people with happy lives, love. Fat people, women, autistic, etc tec. BECAUSE those are IMPERMANANT conditions.
IT takes whats Inside of you to do it.
I remember going into a forum for depression and before I posted I saw a post about a girl who was going through alot, and the commenter comforted her and tried to ask her what she can do and she just said getting her binder would make her happy.
But what happens when her community lets her down? When the triggers she felt come up again? Will she stick to her guns, or will she regret her decision?
Which is why I dont want to encourage any of this stuff, because its another form of SUPPRESSING emotions.
I do that all the time and I feel so much happier, so much freer.
You need to air your grievances, find out what your afraid of, GOOGLE YOUR FEAR, find spiritual meaning in it. You need to find answers and you need to map it out to the BIGGER PICTURE.
If you live by thinking things outside of yourself are controlling you (binder makes me happy, if I make someone upset its over, god why must you punish me)
It will make you suffer.
And by my belief, the things your going through could be because you didn’t learn this same lesson in a past life.
Transgenderism is a mental illness and it’s not my responsibility to try to heal, fix, or blindly agree with
I don’t need/have to interact or be near them, I can have my own female spaces, and my own online spaces, because we are not the same males are male, females are female, if we truly wanted acceptance we wouldn’t try to dominate and colonize others to distract from our own suffering which is narcissism from being so caught up about how we feel and our hero syndrome.
I can see where there coming from, but It’s taken a turn for the worse, and the people behind this movement really are predatory and cause suffering to countless amounts of people that I know personally, and myself.
This is probably a political distraction from something anyway. Just give it a few years…
But one thing that makes me a bit sad is that people have everything within them to heal, but they choose to suffer, but we let them suffer because were afraid of saying anything, were afraid the truth and expressing our concern will make their emotions go out of balance and they’ll try to threaten suicide or hurt us.
Which means when we do anything for them we are silently judging them, and looking down on them as people. It’s not out of kindness just pity.
I cannot do anything for the three people I mentioned, I can only distance myself from them, focus on my inner self, and do acts of service and kindness and try to reduce suffering of others who may feel the same or go down this path.
I will probably revise this when I get back to it, but if you read it all the way thank you, here are some resources
Thich Naht Han’s book on Love: https://archive.org/details/ThichNhatHanhTheArtOfPower58pp/Thich%20Nhat%20Hanh%20-%20Fidelity%2C%20How%20to%20Create%20a%20Loving%20Relationship%20That%20Lasts/page/n36/mode/2up
Peace from Anxiety by Hala Khouri:
Sidereal/vedic chart calculator:https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/sidereal-astrology-chart-calculator
Mindfullness techniques: https://www.lionsroar.com/the-4-noble-truths-of-emotional-suffering/
Productivity advice :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iow5V3Qlvwo
NEVER BE AFRAID TO SEE TWO SIDES OF THE SAME STORY, if you don’t this will create ignorance and suffering, because its also repression. Come to your own conclusions only after finding both sides.
And also if you need to get apps and resources to get rid of online comments and negativity chatter, its not natural to be bombarded like this and it cause stress and anxiety and pressure.
I realized something recently. I have a teacher who I am scared to ask questions too, she doesnt act very welcoming, but she is very passionate about her field of study. When I ask some questions her tone can be quite chastising and back then I would have decided that taking this class was a mistake.
But now, I realize that there’s nothing I can do, or really there’s nothing SHE can do.
Even if you communicate with people, I communicated with her and nd she said no matter what I can come to her for help.
She’s open and receiving to me but internally im intimidated by her, which causes me to make up how shell act and not do good because of my fear for her reaction.
But the reality is…there’s nothing I can do….theres nothing I can do to make her change, there’s nothing she should do. People are gonna be people, and her own journey is her own thing. Really I realize the root of suffering is all in how you handle your emotions, handling your emotions is essential.
What I realized is I had to realize how I felt towards her, and realize she doesnt hate me, and this isnt some cosmic symbol of discouragement, it was somewhat just a thing. I could see this as a spiritual challenge to overcome, which motivates me.
But people are gonna be like that, and you cannot rely on their emotions and things, and neither can you your own. You just have to show acceptance and love towards them, and by that I mean your emotions and the person themselves.
Because there is nothing you can do to change them. Im serious. Just take the good and the bad, and know separate yourself if you must (I don’t know your context) but yeah.
When the same thing happens to different people, its how they feel that effects the course of their life.
Half of me could go into a depressive state and isolate and give up, because man it just feels like there’s always something. But I didn’t take this class for no reason, and I couldn’t back down now, I wanted to prove my love, and when the times got tough I would rant to my friends and discipline myself to sit down and do it.
Its our emotions that are the root, its how we deal with them. Please and thank you.
“We suffer because we do not know how to deal with our emotions and emotional reactions. We don’t realize that blaming others for our own unhappiness can never bring us happiness, so we continue to deal with our problems in the same way we always have, which only brings more suffering.”
We suffer because we continually choose to identify with and focus on how we feel. But identifying with our emotions is like throwing fuel on a fire. If we choose to identify with our anger, it will burn even hotter and take longer to die down. The same is true of the other poisons, such as attachment, jealousy, or arrogance. Identifying with our emotions is a sure recipe for even more unhappiness.
The truth of the origin of suffering can be freeing. We realize that at each and every moment, happiness is available to us if we choose to let go of our strong emotions and relax. This is the third noble truth: the truth of cessation. If we come to accept that our own emotions are the cause of our suffering, we can eradicate the attachment to and identification with them that causes us so much suffering.”
One thing that helped me be freer is realizing that people are like this too, we act the same way and they change their moods and feelings at the drop of a hat. Well they are very subject to change opinions and ideals.
“Our minds might jump from the past to the future, from here to somewhere across the planet, all in a matter of moments. Our emotions are unpredictable, momentary, and fickle. You should ask yourself: why am I so willing to believe that every feeling I have is true?
After you watch your mind for some time, you start to notice that sometimes your emotions arise as a reaction to a certain situation, and other times they arise for no apparent reason at all. You might be sitting on a cushion in a quiet room, with no one around, and suddenly feel angry or sad.
One way we ordinarily react to this kind of emotional energy is to look for its cause—or for something to blame. However, as part of your lojong training, you can start to break the habit of linking your emotional feelings and reactions to outside causes. Rather than looking for a cause or someone to blame for how you feel, notice instead how prone you are to certain types of emotional reactions and how deep your emotional habits are. After all, you can have intense emotional feelings even when there is nothing present to trigger them.
As you begin to notice that you have certain dominant emotional habits and are prone to certain kinds of feelings, you begin to identify less with them. You can relax more and find more contentment in the moment.”
Which is also why its important to know why but also just like intrusive thoughts you can just say, “ah, okay”. And let it pass, once you recognize and release it.